The day I knew I had turned a corner, in the midst of my 2nd divorce, started out like this:
- Do some work
- Scan my Counter Petition and send to my attorney
- Get an email from my attorney that they had filed the counter petition and emailed it to my soon-to-be-ex’s attorney
- Get an angry phone call from my soon-to-be-ex letting me know that he was going to cut off the little financial help for the utilities that he has always paid (guessing he read through my counter petition)
- I got upset and worked up and then my attorney calmed me down
- My business grew a little that day
- I was able to feel accomplished that day through my work
- I didn’t feel angry or sad or anything toward my soon-to-be-ex. I felt apathy toward him.
And that’s the day I knew I had turned a corner. I no longer want to talk about him or what could have been. I no longer missed him.
I’ll still have moments when I miss what could have been for our family but I know that it’s not even worth wishing for because my soon-to-be-ex isn’t the same person that I fell in love with and married.
I’m ready to start my new life and in fact I’m really looking forward to it. I’m no longer ‘faking it till I make it’ and slapping a smile on my face to force myself into a positive mood. And it feels amazing. A load has been taken off of my shoulders.
I know that I’ll have to deal with him for the rest of my life but I no longer want to see him suffer or have regrets or anything….I just want my life to get into more of a routine and clear him out of the picture as much as a judge will allow me. Now that’s not to say that I’m going to lay down and let him walk all over me during the divorce process, but it does mean that I won’t be rattled by him any longer. Should he decide to make poor choices, it will only affect him and I will continue to rock it in life.
I’ve never been so scared about my next chapter but thrilled and excited all at the same time. So many things are on the horizon for me…so many exciting, inspiring, challenging, hopeful things that I have to look forward to and he was dumb enough to throw me to the side…but because he did that, I was forced to push and push and push myself further than I ever thought I could go.
The best part about the whole thing is that I’m calm…oddly, weirdly, calm. I have to see this man almost six days a week because he works where my kids play hockey, and I’m not nervous anymore. I walked into the rink recently with zero butterflies, no nerves, no nausea, and with my head held high because it’s there, not because I faked it. And it was marvelous. I honestly haven’t felt that for years because I would even dread seeing my sons’ father at the rink. (Yes, I’m a glutton for punishment – both of my ex’s play hockey where my kids play and one even works there – don’t repeat my mistakes…just don’t.)
The calm I feel is equivalent to the calm I felt after each c-section when the pain killers kicked in. It’s glorious.
The other person that I need to thank for this sense of calm, is my mother. She recently went to a bible study, that clearly I need to be going to, and she shared some of the most poignant messages that I needed to hear:
- When you’re in circumstances that you can’t control and you don’t know the answer to the issues, look up.
- “I know the Lord is speaking to me when what I hear and am led to do cannot be done without his assistance, protection and guidance. He only speaks what brings glory to himself!” ~Bishop Kenneth Ulmer
- God doesn’t punish you or condemn you…he will always love you no matter how much you screw up.
- God offers solutions not guilt. He encourages, not humiliates.
- “When I finally do the thing He has been nudging me to do, whether it’s letting something or someone go, or taking a step toward the unknown, there is a deep calm in my soul.” ~Kathy Troccoli
And I have experienced that deep calm. And it’s calming.
I know I used the word (or form of) calm twice in two sentences but there is no more perfect word than that.
Everyone experiences that calm at different points in the divorce process. I experienced it with my ex-husband two years after the divorce was final…with my soon-to-be-ex – I only had to wait a few months after he moved out.
I’m oddly proud of myself and sad at the same time. Sad only because it means it’s really over…at least for me…he has lost me forever. BUT I’m proud of myself because I never thought I’d get to this point in my relationship with ‘me’.
I’m really looking forward to what the future holds for me in the respect of a personal life/dating life and my career…which will likely be on my terms through my own business.
How cool is that?? I got exactly what I always wanted, minus the husband, for my kids and myself. I’ll be able to provide for them and fulfill dreams of supporting myself and them COMPLETELY on my own.
But I have to admit – it is as scary as HE double hockey sticks and back.
I don’t know why I’m where I’m at in my life and career but I can’t deny the doors that God has opened for me. So I’m going to stop fighting the scary stuff and conquer life!
So excited to start a new month tomorrow!
Remember – If it’s too hard to focus on the fact that the glass is half full, focus on the fact that you can refill the glass tomorrow!