I have a unique perspective with this divorce because I’ve been through this before. While I’m on the other side of the table this time, and never wanted this divorce and even took a cheating husband back, I still know what is involved emotionally, financially and legally through this process. I absolutely HATE that I know all of this, but this is my reality.
My husband is making very poor choices through this divorce process and is being ill-advised, and where ever that advice is coming from, this process has been made doubly difficult because of it, simply because he won’t just stand behind his own feelings and he relies too often on everyone else’s opinions.
Whereas you would think that I would be the one making things challenging, he is the one that can’t turn anything in on time (literally months behind me) and continues to fight agreeing to a timesharing agreement for my daughter all because he refuses to not drink for four days per month.
I just don’t get it.
You would think that he was the one fighting the divorce rather than the one that started this process based on the issues that he is drawing into this. He was the one that cheated, he was the one that left bruises, he was the one that ran away, he was the one that filed for divorce.
With that said, I’ve written an open-ended letter to my soon-to-be-ex, not necessarily hoping that he’ll read it, but rather that others that are going through a divorce or considering divorce, won’t make the same mistakes that he is making.
I loved you with everything that I had. I even loved you after I found out that you had ‘fallen deeply in love’ with a woman that has no issue joining in to ruin a family and even after you did things to me that I have yet to be able to utter to another soul. I should have seen your character in choosing such a person to be with, but I didn’t, because I was blinded by my love for you.
Now though, I have seen another side, a nasty, disgusting side that saddens me.
I can’t believe that I ever fell for you. If I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have stayed very long. How you only care about money and how much everyone else can give to you without you having to work hard for it, is sad and I really hope that our daughter learns her work ethic from me and not your family. Trying to find a shortcut does nothing but prolong the inevitable of having to really work hard for what you have.
Which brings me to the point of this letter.
You were the one that wanted this divorce…do you remember? Do you remember me asking for more counseling and you laughing at me? Do you remember being so cold and heartless? I remember every word you said, every action you took, every heartless thing you’ve done.
After some of the things that you’ve chosen to do, say or participate in, I’ve lost all respect for you, and to me, that is so much worse than if I only hated you.
I just want you to stand on your own two feet…to follow through with the things that we talk about when it’s just us talking. But then your family, throws their bad advice in the mix and you back out of what you had previously agreed to – and the things that we had agreed upon were in the best interests of our daughter and it would have ended this bitterness so much faster.
For some reason, you can’t see how selfish your family is being. They don’t want the best for you – they want the best for them.
Stand up for what YOU know is right…stand up for what YOU think is worth it…stand up for what YOU know will end this battle. Stop letting others influence your decisions. YOU are the only one that has to live with me in your life for at least the next 16 years. YOU are the only one that can stop the madness. YOU are the only one that can lead this to a calm resolution because YOU are the one that started this process.
Your family only wants you for themselves – all for what you can do for them, the things you can fix, the business that you started that they can take over and tell you how to run, to share the daughter that we are raising. And you fail to see that they are so selfish that they continue to feed your delusions of right and wrong, so that you can maintain the ‘victim’ mentality, when you were the one that made all of these poor decisions.
And now…now you want the courts to feel sorry for you too. You’ve painted such a sad picture of your life and financial outlook yet we both know that I’ll be able to poke tons of holes through all of it.
I have advice for you and I hope you listen, because I’ve been through this before. You seem to be using a ton of energy on things that don’t matter. Every decision that you make needs to be something that you want, not that someone else is advising you that you should want. The anger that you expend each time that you don’t hear what you want to hear isn’t worth it and in the end will be for nothing.
Zero-Emotion Divorce: Thanks Florida.
The divorce process in Florida has become so clinical that you really need to have every T crossed and every I dotted if you want to claim something that I paid for four years ago (aka my vehicle, amongst other things), should be half yours. I recommend that you really ask yourself if it’s worth it to argue that the things that I paid for prior to our marriage should be yours.
If you notice, I skipped all of that nonsense, because it’s not worth it. I just want out of this marriage at this point, with each of us getting what we walked in with, splitting the marital assets, and what we decide is financially fair considering I left a 17-year career to support you less than 12 months before you walked out on me, and I just want to know that my daughter will be safe when she is with you.
And that’s it. If we could come to a conclusion on those things, it could be over. It’s all I want for Christmas.
You were the one that wanted out but you’re fighting so much for stuff that I paid for…is that all I was to you – a dollar sign? You’re very unlikely to win so the fact that you are fighting so hard for ‘things’ is beyond me. Use this energy for building your business instead of going after things that you’ve never had the right to claim as yours.
Work with me to end this, not against me. It seems that your pride is getting in the way and you are letting others influence your decisions instead of just standing on your own two feet and making a decision that will end this quickly and in the best interest of our daughter.
You’re wanting to battle over the most ridiculous things…harder than fighting for your daughter or building your business/finding a job that would provide you with a schedule that would allow you to spend more time with her. But instead you want to do everything you can to try to hurt me. Well, in case you didn’t know, you’ve already achieved that…you can stop trying now because you are now irrelevant to my life.
I’ve moved on with my life and just want this done. Clear your head and really ask yourself if this battle, that you are creating, is really worth it. Will it do anything but prolong what you’ve wanted all along? Will it do anything to build our relationship as adults that are trying to raise a daughter together? Will you be setting an example that you’ll be proud of your daughter watching?
More advice is just to do what’s right from the beginning. It will cost A LOT less and end A LOT sooner, if you can put aside your emotion, pride and greed and seek out a resolution instead of causing more issues each week.
The reason that I can offer all of this advice is because I’ve been in your shoes before. Although, I wasn’t fighting to take money from the man that I was divorcing. I wasn’t lying about my income or assets that I had. In the end, my ex and I came to an agreement on both our ‘stuff’ and our parenting plan because we both just put aside our anger and we put it all out there and came to an agreement that best suited the boys and settled the issues with our ‘stuff’.
And if I had done that sooner, the divorce decree could have been signed sooner.
Pride gets in the way so often, but, you can make the choice to set it aside and realize that divorce is a horrible thing and no one will get exactly what they want but there has to be some kind of resolution. If both parties can be honest and calm and make decisions that are ethical and fair, the process can fly by much faster and MUCH cheaper.
So with that said, you may take my advice, and you may not, but just know I’ve done this before and I can offer advice based on what I did wrong so that both of us can walk away sooner from this disaster of a marriage.
Clear your head, have a cup of coffee instead of a beer and then get to work asking yourself, ‘is it really worth it to fight for the shell of a Jeep in the garage that she paid for?”. Life really can be that simple as soon as you realize that ‘stuff’ doesn’t matter, only souls, and our daughters’ is magical and pure and doesn’t need to be put through all of the ‘garbage’.