i disappeared for a little

I’m back!

I took a breath, a breather, a break, a whatever you want to call it, without even realizing it, from blogging, after the first of 2018. It wasn’t intentional and I tried with everything that I had in me to finish a post but I just couldn’t. I would almost complete a post and then realize by the end of it that I was rambling and the post wasn’t even worth it because my soon-to-be-ex wasn’t worth the time or energy that I had just put into the post.

I have 24 drafts sitting and waiting to be finished and published but I just haven’t had the energy because I did something at the first of the year that helped me really push past my anger toward my Irish Idiot.

I wrote a blog post that detailed the most horrendous part of my marriage – the part that sealed the deal on the destruction of our marriage. Some of you read it because I scheduled it to go live recently and forgot about it and then chickened out with the amount of transparency that I showed, so I pulled it offline. I may republish it one day but for now it’s sitting in my “published” inbox, marked as private.

It was such a painful moment in my life last year and I thought that I was brave enough to share in the hopes that it might encourage someone, that was going through similar things, to not put up with the same garbage that I had and to move on. Instead, it accomplished something else.

I felt a sense of peace.

With every phase of this divorce, the more and more I keep ‘moving on’ and at the same time I have also realized how ‘unmoved on’ I was in the phase before. And that’s ok. There is no right or wrong way to move through a divorce emotionally. Sometimes, you’ll fly through the first four Stages of Grief only to hit a snag, sit across the table from this person and slide back into the anger stage. Or you’ll see your husband with a woman that offers half of what you determine is your value and you slide into the stage of depression.

Survive. Just survive.

The only goal with divorce, is to simply survive it and don’t feel like you need to meet any certain time table.

My pivotal moment in my divorce was actually putting pen to paper and reliving the night that my marriage ended. Getting it all out there, even to no one, did so much good. I still have moments of complete anger like when I saw him recently and after a brief heated exchange of words between the two of us, I made a note that he was so weak of a human being that he couldn’t even bring himself to apologize to me for what he had done to me and what he had done to the kids. His response reminded me of how much of a loser I was/am really married to…he told me that I should “give him a reason to get him to say sorry.”

I was in awe that he is so detached from reality and morality that he thinks it’s ok to do some of the harmful things he did, expect me not to be upset with him or hurt by him, and then urgently wait on bended knee for an apology that any other human being with any sense of right and wrong would have done months ago. But my special guy feels that I should ‘put him in the mood’ to feel apologetic. Sorry, not going to happen, and now I could care less about the apology because he obviously doesn’t understand the significance of humbling oneself to utter the phrase “I’m sorry” when you do something wrong.

And that’s when I realized just who he really is. I will never get an apology for the hurt and harm he caused. If I expect this then I will be forever angry because it’s something that he can’t mentally do. His mother taught him that when put into a ‘corner’, his defense was to never admit that he is wrong and to run from responsibility because she will always clean up his messes. So he’s never had to say sorry.

I married someone that has no capability to feel; to truly be in love; no ability to seek to cope with the ‘unfun’ times in life or to be mature or to treat someone else with respect or to put someone else’s needs before their own…and I’ve accepted all of this. And because of this, I have so much more peace than I’ve had since this divorce started.

So when I say I’ve started many posts and not had the energy to finish them, it’s because he has become so irrelevant to me and my life now. I don’t care anymore. I’ll never understand but I also know that he’ll never be happy in his life because he can’t do anything that I mentioned earlier.

I know that I would have a miserable existence if I had no capability to feel or feel compassion for others or to never experience love again or not to be able to put someone else’s needs first. It would be awful. And I’m thankful that the toxicity that was in my life is gone.

Sometimes I’m still human though.

I still have my moments of anger…I still have my moments of weakness…I still am not a perfect ex-wife to him…but I do have my dignity again because I know now that he would never have been good enough for me. He wouldn’t have been able to give his all like I had been doing for him. And that’s ok. I will find that person one day.

The day that I started reining my anger in, or in all actuality feeling nothing toward him but annoyance, was the day I realized just how miserable he really is and I don’t want my life to be like that and I’m thankful he didn’t take more of my years than what he did. When I see him, I can see the anger seething out of his pores…what I did to him, I’ll never know, nor do I care because I remained a steadfast faithful wife to him through everything. He has convinced a weak girl to cyber stalk and bully me and that’s ok. Annoying, yes and a little frightening, but I can’t do anything about it unless I want to waste more energy on them that they don’t deserve. If he wants to continue spending that amount of time on me than more power to him…I get it, I am kind of worth it. 🙂

Some Advice

I think that at this moment in my divorce, if I had any advice to give to anyone going through something similar, it would be to stop thinking that they did something wrong and instead focus on who your soon-to-be-ex really is. Strip away what you wanted them to be; strip away what they told you they were or would be; strip away the dreams you had for them/you/the ‘we’ and focus on the person that is left. What do their actions tell you? What are their motivations? What kind of life are they living right now? And for that last question don’t focus on what is on social media…

You know them, or at least you know their faults. Now someone else has to deal with those faults…and between you and I – my ex’s new girlfriend has her hands full because zebras never change their stripes. And it’s the little things that make me smile when I want to get angry because it was so easy for him to move on. Like when he found someone so weak that she agreed to cyber stalk me from the moment that they first started dating. What kind of woman would volunteer for that or agree to chasing me around the hockey rink video recording me and my kids? A crazy one…and that’s what he chose. More power to him. I just know that I will honestly feel bad for him (yet I’ll smile a little) when she goes all crazy on him when he breaks up with her too.

Focus on the true being that your ex is and take comfort that you get to say good riddance.

I still get anxious every time that I see my ex’s name pop up on my phone, but now I wait a while to read whatever the communication is (and that’s if my daughter hasn’t cleared out my notifications), because he doesn’t deserve my immediate attention. He never gave me his so why should I do it for him? There’s nothing telling me that I have to get back to him within a certain time frame so I do it when I’m emotionally ready to respond. I remind myself that I am the one in charge of me – he no longer has any control over me or my life. If he doesn’t like my response, then I’m sorry, not sorry. This is who I am and he gets to deal with that. It is no longer my job to accommodate his moods or temper.

And THAT’S the most freeing feeling I’ve had in a while.


toxic mil’s

Think you’re alone in having an anxiety attack before your MIL arrives to town?? You’re not. There’s thousands of us out there and, I swear to you with everything that I have, I refuse to become that person when my boys marry.

Right in front of your face.

Why is it so hard to face facts when it comes to emotional connections? Why does the heart tell you different things than what your brain says?

My heart and my brain play this tug of war every day and some days one wins and I’m not an emotional mess and some days the other wins and I keep asking myself, “Why me?”. It’s tough. I’m just thankful that my brain is usually the one that wins out and my heart has been winning less often lately.

Then there’s days like August 21…his birthday.

My Irish Idiot’s birthday.

It stung so much that we weren’t celebrating together. I had a huge party in the planning stages before I found out that he cheated on me. I missed him so much, even though my brain told me that he doesn’t deserve even one tear. But my heart won on this day.

I’m not quite sure why I am in the place that I’m in, considering that I’ve done nothing to deserve being deserted, cheated on and lied to, and more, by my Irish Idiot and his sad family, especially considering I took a cheating husband back after I found out what he had done and wanted to move toward repairing our marriage.

It’s right in front of my face that I should shut these toxic people out of my life immediately, yet in my heart of hearts, I just want my husband back. The husband that was here before his toxic family came to town. It’s a battle between my heart and my brain, continually, and probably will be until I start to see some justice for what he’s done to me and the kids.

All about ‘ME’.

My soon-to-be-ex continues to not take responsibility for his actions and none of his family has shown one ounce of care toward the situation that their son/brother has put me in. All they care about is how this will affect them…how often they will see MY daughter…how much my Irish Idiot will have to pay me (aka his mother because they can’t stand on their own two feet). No one can look at this from a place of clear perspective to really reflect upon what’s happened and who’s been hurt by them, including innocent children.


But…I guess that’s who they are. That’s who his mom raised…must be the morals that she has because they all act in the same manner toward women and she was the parent that was the main influence in their lives. Her kids, that have been so reckless with their lives (excluding the one that wants nothing to do with the older three) that they have destroyed others emotionally, financially and otherwise, and they don’t care. They show no remorse. They treat me as though I shouldn’t be upset. And if anyone has a right to be upset right now, it’s me.

But I’m treated as though I should be as emotionless as they are. That I should be able to walk away from the love of my life with ease. Sorry – YOU (In-Laws), you are the ones that are not normal. It’s not normal to rip someone’s life apart and then blame them for it.

It’s sad what this woman has done to these men that are now almost all in their 40’s (or darn close to it). If I had three children that couldn’t take care of themselves and couldn’t hold steady relationships or jobs, I would cry myself to sleep and question what I had done wrong.

But not my special MIL.

Nope…she has only said sorry to me once for her sons actions and it’s because she knows how much he messed up that night and she didn’t want to lose the second relationship (out of two) with a grandchild, because her sons are emotionally destructive to themselves and others.

And now, instead of doing what anyone else would consider as ‘the right thing’ to do, by trying to avoid destroying a woman, that has already been destroyed enough by her own son, that did so much for her son, she’s chosen a dark path…the unjust path. The path to help her son get what she thinks he deserves…only what SHE wants. She’s just as selfish as the boys she has raised. And just as big of a bully because she thinks she can bully her way into her granddaughters life by paying enough to an attorney to try to shut her own granddaughters mother out.

What you should have done, if you cared enough about your granddaughter, was to shake your son into his right mind, kick him out of your house, make him stand on his own two feet, force him to realize that when a man marries a woman, the new wife is more important than the mother, and tell him that he needs to fix what he’s done wrong. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because that’s what the little redhead needs. Refuse to allow a third son to become another ’emotional-support-child’ to help you through life.

But then again…not my special MIL.

None of that was ever done. Nope – she told me in the middle of my drama that they don’t talk about things. No one discusses issues. Heartfelt, deep, meaningful, conversations are never had. So why do I think that things would be different for my situation?? Because I thought she cared. Because she told me that she loved me, cared about me…all empty statements. Because I thought that she loved her granddaughter enough to step outside of herself and tell her son that he needed to fix this, for her granddaughter.

History has a way of repeating itself though. I don’t know a ton of details because they always glossed over everything (and that should have been a big clue to me) but they were the ‘victims’ of losing the first granddaughter apparently. According to them, the relationship is strained because of every reason that the other ex-wife has done. Not them. They’ve done nothing wrong, if you ask them. Nothing. I can only imagine that will be the same story that they tell about me in 10 years. “Poor, poor Erik. Staci’s so horrible.”

Never willing to take responsibility for their actions. It’s really sad.

Word to the wise to whoever the next McDonnell wife is…good luck. You’re truly on your own. They change afterward. They’ll give you a month, maybe two. Then they expect you to become their mom…someone who is emotionless, someone that knows that he treats women with disrespect but is expected to suck it up ‘like mom did’, and someone that will always take a backseat to the MIL…you’ll always be second.

If I knew what I now know, I honestly don’t think that I would have lasted six months into the dating relationship.

…AND there…

…you have read the emotions behind a divorce, just a small snapshot of what one feels on a daily, sometimes less, basis. It’s draining. It’s not fun. This is what you do in your spare time (9:00 pm – bedtime) thinking about because you’re raising little ones in the meantime.

I’m just thankful that this is the first that I’ve felt this emotion in weeks. It just means that I’m realizing who I was married to, who the family is, who they really are, and who I’m now embarrassed to say that I share a last name with.

I’ve started to accept that I was married to a man that I was deeply in love with but that he was more deeply in love with himself and his mother than me. I know this sounds sick but I’m really not trying to turn this in that direction. It’s just that it’s a weird…really weird…situation. Someone that leans on his own mother at 39 years old more than his own wife…that is weird…and all she did was encourage this behavior.

This stuff called ‘extended family’ is tough. If you can honestly say ‘I love her like my own mother’, please understand that you have a special relationship with your mother-in-law. From two marriages, I’ve learned that boys have a hard time leaving their mothers. And I think that this is caused, this feeling of guilt (or whatever it is), is drilled into them from birth. I have yet to have a man in my life, (other than my father and brother in law) that has truly ‘left’ the umbilical cord at home and can stand on their own two feet. When I do, that’s when I’ll truly know that I’ve found a man instead of a boy.

At this point, I can only use what I’ve experienced to enrich my sons lives, the good and bad. I’ll help them to grow to be good men, with great ethics and outstanding morals.