take 2: showing my scars

At the start of the new year, I wrote and cried and wrote and cried until I had shared almost every detail of ‘that’ night…the last night that my soon-to-be-ex and I were in the same bed. And it accidentally went live. I received immediate positive feedback and then took it down all within 30 minutes because it was so intimate, to me, that I couldn’t face knowing that everyone would know.


Yesterday my ex thought it would be funny to pour salt into an open wound…he figuratively laughed at the emotional and physical pain that he put me through and did something so childish that it made me completely understand that I was married to someone cruel and with evil intentions. He deserves no respect or even acknowledgement that I once thought he was an amazing man. He’s a bad person with an unpure heart. So unlike the little lady that we created together.

So I’ve decided to take a second shot at exposing my most raw emotions about something that I would never want another woman to ever go through. In my perfect world, I would one day like to speak out about abuse but until then I’ll show my scars so that others may avoid the same pain I went through.

I never want anyone else to feel like I did – ashamed, embarrassed, self-conscious because of the bruises…What someone feels is ok to do to you – harm you physically – is not okay and not your fault. I wish I could have absorbed this earlier than when I finally did. A man that physically attacks a women is not a man – not a normal human being – it’s not ok and they are showing how weak THEY are NOT how weak you are.

So here’s take 2 at this post….

(written in January 2018)

At 37, I’ve realized a few things:

* who my friends really are
* that I need mentors and who they are
* that I screw up…a lot
* that I’m not a perfect mother
* that I’m a great mother and that’s all that matters
* that I can do better than the day before
* and that I am better than who I was before…

So here’s my story…

The night before Father’s Day 2017…I was physically attacked…

by someone that was overly intoxicated…

and I knew the person….

…I was married to him…

…and I still am unfortunately…for just a while longer…until the state of Florida rules on our case…

I’ve started this post so many times but it takes nerves of steel to finish this.

That night…

I left to go grocery shopping. My little men were at their dads house (thank the lord). My little lady had gone down for a late nap and needed to be up about 45 min after I left (I was gone about 2 hours total).

I arrived home, with food, about 2 hours later. My little lady was still in her room…crying out for momma and dada…yet dada hadn’t arrived, even though he had been there the whole time.

At this point, I start to realize how intoxicated my husband and his brother really were. My husband couldn’t even understand why I was upset that my daughter was still in her crib even though I asked him to get her up hours prior.

I get her up, make dinner for everyone, spend time with my daughter, my brother in law goes home, I put my daughter to bed, and then my husband stumbles in and says he’s tired and asks if I would join him in bed as soon as I put our daughter to bed.


Two weeks prior I found out that he had cheated on me. My self esteem was low. So very low. So when my husband suggested that I meet him in bed…what do you think that meant to me……

…Back to the story…

Here is the honesty that will likely be taken down shortly after I have the nerve to post it…

I climb into bed…hoping for some love – any kind of love because I felt unloved at the time…and because I’m married and that’s what married people do…except I then fully realize just truly how drunk my husband was…

He wouldn’t wake up so I just lay there…

I start thinking crazy thoughts…what did I do to cause this…why doesn’t he want me in a sexual way…and so many other things…then I thought through his activity that day and night – he was acting so into me until about a day prior and he only recently had been overly involved in his phone, like when I first caught him in his lies about his affair…his phone…

So I grabbed his phone because he was soo intoxicated; his code was easy to crack and then I saw all of it…even the text asking her if she would hide money from me for him.

That’s who I married. Scumbag.

Then the rage in me took over and I had to confront the issue right then.

I woke him up, with his phone in my hand, asked him about the texts, and he lunged at me. I’ve never been lunged at and he had quite the weight on me so he scared me and I ran toward our bathroom. He cornered me while I was hunched over, sitting on the floor, with his phone in my lap, all the while only trying to get his phone from me, and I had it in my lap as I was crunched down trying to avoid whatever was coming my way. His knee went so hard into my lower back that I peed on the floor because of the pressure he put on me.

I fought so hard. So very hard. No one will ever understand. I grabbed his balls and yanked and pulled and yanked some more and it still didn’t stop him. That’s what scared me more than anything in my life. Everything that I had always been taught was to go for the balls…well it didn’t work…he was too numb by the alcohol to stop.

He punched every part of me trying to get to that phone. I was able to get away from him and tried to make it into our ‘toilet room’ but I couldn’t get the door closed before he got there and he had me between the door and the wall and he just kept pressing the door into me and thus into the wall.

All he wanted was that darn phone and it didn’t matter to him how he got it.

And this was all in under a span of probably 10 minutes or less.

My terror…the end of my marriage…the person I knew I had to protect my kids from…

The person that was supposed to be my ‘person’ for the rest of my life just ruined my perception of the perfect guy.

He turned my house upside down…because I had gotten away from him with the phone…

I called his brother to get him to come and pick him up because the other solution was the police…

My husband told me that if I called the police that he would tell them that I had attacked him about the affair and would show them the marks on his arm…

…the marks on his arm were from lifting his brothers truck and putting bigger tires on the truck earlier that day…

…but he didn’t care…he didn’t want to go to jail because he had been there before because of alcohol…

…I was scared out of my mind because I had never been in this position before and my daughter was in the other room…would the police believe him or me?? would they take my daughter?? where would she end up??…

…so I didn’t call the police…stupidest thing I ever didn’t do…

…I let his brother take him out of my house and then the craziest thing happened…

…my soon-to-be-ex-husband called my parents and told them that I needed help…so at ‘too-early o’clock’ my parents show up at my door as I was reeling from just being beaten and left by my husband…

…I talk until I can’t make any more sense…they leave…I lay in bed until my daughter wakes up and then I pack my stuff…two weeks worth…because I had no idea what was happening to my life…

…I showed up to my parents house on fathers day and slept, slept the whole day almost…until I got a phone call from my soon-to-be-ex’s mom apologizing profusely over and over again for her son and his actions…and at the end asking that my relationship with her not end…now that I look back – she only called because she didn’t want to lose the second grandchild that she has because of her sons stupid actions – that she enables. She lost the other relationship for very similar reasons…

…a tiger doesn’t change their stripes…

I even received a text from my soon-to-be-ex’s brother telling me that he feels bad for everything that his brother put me through and then he acknowledged that the kids and I are the victims in the whole thing…

Two weeks later, I seemed to forget the abuse that I suffered at this mans hands….for heaven’s sake – he had me pinned.to.the.ground…why did I need a more clear realization as to who this person was?? But I realize now that I hadn’t been removed from the situation long enough to understand the monster that I am/was married to.

Instead I wanted to try to work through this…what was I thinking?? Why would I put myself through this again? Why would I expose an abusive man to the three people (my children) that I would lay my life down for?

I tried to convince all of us that we should work it out. Thank the lord, my soon-to-be-ex was too selfish and embarrassed to try to work it out. I’m thankful for his stupidity.

Looking back, I can only imagine how my father felt knowing and watching all that was happening to me. I am his first-born…his daughter…his duplicate…yet he never showed his anger in front of me even though I’m sure it was there – he only showed his compassion…because that’s who he is…an amazing man and father. I’m so lucky.

Yet, at the time, I didn’t want to believe that this was the person that I had married, that I had fallen madly in love with. The person that cried during our vows…that promised to love and cherish me forever…this was the same person that left bruises everywhere including on my ass…

I will never forget showering each day in my parents bathroom during that first week…they had this massive bathroom with mirrors everywhere and all I saw was what my husband had done to me. The marks he left. And I cried every day.

I rushed through every shower, every drying-off, just so that I didn’t have to see what my husband had done to me…and then I saw it…the hand print on my ass. I saw multiple fingerprints…I don’t even remember when he left those but all I know is that I was crushed when I realized he had hit every part of me – the front and back.

I was mad, scared, embarrassed, everything. I didn’t want to tell a soul yet I wanted to tell everyone…so I found a balance which was telling my family and six close friends and that’s it. I didn’t trust anyone…I still have struggles with trust and I probably will for a while but the one comfort that I know is that I am in control of who is in my life so while it may take a while, if you gain my trust – you’re probably an amazing friend and will be so for the rest of our lives.

I thought my life was over. My husband was gone. My sons step-dad was gone. My daughters father had basically admitted that he couldn’t be a committed adult for her.

But you know what….

…my life hasn’t been better.

I’m so thankful that my soon-to-be-ex has left. He has chosen someone that thinks it’s fun to cyber stalk me and stalk me around the rink where our kids play hockey, and video tape my children…

Yet with that said – I’ve never been more at peace than I am now. A toxic part of my life is gone and everyone of us can feel it. He recently went on vacation and it was amazing because it was a vacation for me too!-a vacation from hearing from him.

I never realized the toxicity that he was until he left…and life is amazing now and so much better.

I wish him all of the happiness in the world because right now it’s obvious he isn’t in that place and when he’s happy, my life will be easier also. Please pray for me, him, our daughter, and my boys.


I have an amazing life with amazing people in it. My small circle showed me what love really is in the aftermath that my soon-to-be-ex left. My life is better without my soon-to-be-ex and in fact my relationship with my boys father is better now as well. Coincidence?? I think not.

To summarize my amazing life:

* I don’t need physically and emotionally destructive people in my life.
* I’m overly cautious about any person with a red flag similar to my ex’s…
* I am keeping my ‘circle’ small.
* I have taken huge, positive, steps toward improving the relationships in my life.
* My friends have stepped into my life in huge ways.
* My family has been there in even bigger ways.
* My kids are amazingly funny.
* Their funniness feeds off of each other.
* My boys father really isn’t as bad at I thought…annoying to me, yes…but not harmful.
* My daughter is two and doesn’t know when to speak up about her father’s blood alcohol level – I will always fight to make sure that she’s being taken care of safely.
* My daughter is perfect. My boys are perfect.
* That’s all I need.

Let me say…leaving an abusive relationship is sooooooooo much harder than it seems to those not in the relationship.

Until you have a clean, clear, extensive break – it’s hard to realize and deal with the garbage that the ‘bad guy (person)’ put into the relationship. But once you do…there is a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders and then all you have to do is…


I’m so thankful for who I’ve become, those that have helped me realize and remember who I am, and the strength that I’ve had to find within myself. I hope others can do the same, in their own time.

~Much love to all.

Please note that this post and most of the posts on my website/blog may contain affiliate links. Should you decide to click on one of these ads and purchase something through this link, I will get a commission from it (the pricing is no different for you than going directly to their website)(I do not get commissions from sites where you donate money or things). Not all items recommended on this site are affiliate links. I only recommend items that I feel are amazing because I’ve used and tried them. Thank you for your trust and readership!

5 steps to take when bouncing back from divorce

5 things to remember during divorce

Divorce can destroy every shred of self esteem that you might have. Divorce is horrible, gut wrenching, expensive, and horrible (yes, I said that twice for impact). Every day can be a struggle to pick yourself up and brush yourself off but you have to do it, especially if you have kids, because they don’t care what mean thing your ex said to you last night – they just want their favorite shoes found ASAP!

You have to find it within yourself to function. Some days it’s harder than others but you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t, it’s easy to slide backward into a pool of despair and depression.

Someone asked me recently how I keep my head above water during the craziness that I’m having to deal with. In all honesty, I don’t have a clue. Some days I feel like I’m going to drown and other days I feel like I’m enjoying a nice ride on a beautiful boat above the water. I just keep moving; I just keep swimming; I just keep smiling; I just keep focusing on what I do have instead of thinking about all of the bad stuff in my life right now.

There have been a few key things that I’ve found necessary to do each day in order to ‘jump out of the water and into my beautiful boat’ instead of drown. These are five ways that I’ve found help me to keep my head above water when I’m feeling like I might drown in the ‘Divorce Ocean’:

1. Fake it till you make it – and Smile…always. (you might have to fake the smile too)

This is probably the most important way to keep your head above water. Plaster that smile on your face, take a break from complaining about your ex every once in a while…trust me, your friends and family get it – your ex is a moron. Provide updates but no one wants to be around a debbie-downer that whines 24/7.

Some days, you’ll need to paint on a smile and pretend like all is good in the world. When you do this, you’ll realize that there really are good things happening all around you and the more you see the positive, the more positive that you’ll become. It’s basically a sales technique that you’re using on yourself.

And it works. The bigger the smile that you have, the more you’ll believe it and when you start believing it, you start believing in yourself and you can rebuild that self-confidence and then you won’t have to fake it any longer.

2. Wait 24 hours before responding.

This one I have yet to perfect but I’m getting there. I always have a hard time thinking of the perfect response to people that are rude or hateful, except for when it comes to my ex, E, and you’re probably the same way too. It’s because we know what will sting, we know what will hurt and because we’ve been hurt it’s easy to want to hurt them in return.

But it accomplishes nothing except probably make the situation worse.

My ex-sister-in-law gave me some of the best advice…wait 24 hours before I respond to my ex.

Unless your attorney tells you differently, there is likely nothing saying that you have to respond to your ex within a certain time frame. While I don’t adhere to this as much now as I used to, it was very powerful to do when I was at the point in the divorce when I was really angry. It forced me to calm down first and see his communication for what it really was, which was usually just to upset me. Now, I respond when I’m ready, when I’ve had the time to take a deep breath, remind myself how much better my life is without a loser in it, and deal with whatever the issue is.

And the icing on the cake, or at least it was for me, is that this was the last shred of control that I took from him. By not allowing him to draw me into his craziness and drama, I took back the control he had over me…and it feels amazing. He can no longer demand anything from me anymore. I only have to do what a judge signs off on and until that happens, I have pushed for everything to be done through the attorneys. And my life couldn’t be better. He can’t tell me when and where or how to do things anymore…and by the responses that I’ve seen lately, he doesn’t like the loss of power, which makes me feel that much stronger.

3. Find a ‘win’ each day.

My brother-in-law recommended that I do this early on in this divorce and it’s helped me focus on the positive in my life. I really do have so many good things happening in my life and in the kids lives which makes it hard to focus on the negative.

Even if your ‘win’ for the day is that you never had to raise your voice at the kids, or it’s that you were down a pound or that you didn’t get upset when your ex told you that he was going to show up at your son’s game and take your daughter, or that you got a job…find your ‘win’ each day. Small or big, it will help you put your left foot in front of your right and keep moving forward, in a positive direction.

4. Remember their flaws…and that you don’t have to deal with them anymore.

Each time that I see my ex, E, I smile. And it’s not because I think he’s hot (he’s not). I’m smiling because I’m imagining every flaw he has tattooed on his face for everyone to see.

It’s a reminder for me as to what someone else now has to deal with that I don’t. I don’t have to listen to E, whine about his family. I don’t have to listen to him complain that he has to actually work to make money, instead of having it handed to him. I don’t have to deal with his drinking. I don’t have to deal with his family that drinks all of the time. I don’t have to deal with his family’s violent tendencies. I don’t have to clean up after him anymore. I don’t have to pay for his life anymore. I don’t have to I don’t have to worry if he’s able to keep a job. I don’t have to deal with him. A.N.Y.M.O.R.E.

And for that I smile, when I see these flaws, and others, ‘written’ on his forehead, and I can get through a conversation with him.

5. Get moviSELRES_8d64a360-745b-49d2-ab43-cdd6e4aa398aSELRES_31bb2481-6764-498e-a48b-412e81d7f0e4SELRES_31bb2481-6764-498e-a48b-412e81d7f0e4SELRES_8d64a360-745b-49d2-ab43-cdd6e4aa398ang. Make things happen. Get out of the house.

Do anything except for ‘sitting in your own stink’. My parents used to say this to me, when I was a kid, to basically tell me that I needed to function more than stay in the house all day. During divorce you can’t ‘sit in your own stink’. It’s too easy to replay everything in your head and become depressed…and life like that is just no fun.

Instead, get a job, go workout, go for a walk, visit the kids at school, have lunch with a friend, sit at the local coffee shop and journal…just get out of the house, for more than 10 minutes. Smell the fresh air, people watch, spend time with other people talking about other things happening in your life and find out what is new in their life…you’ll soon realize how much good is out there waiting for you to experience all of it. And you’ll be able to put your divorce in perspective and realize just how manageable it really is.

Keep smiling and keep swimming…you’ll get through this, I promise!


Please note that this post and most of the posts on my website/blog may contain affiliate links. Should you decide to click on one of these ads and purchase something through this link, I will get a commission from it but the pricing is no different for you than going directly to their website. Not all items recommended on this site are affiliate links. Thank you for your trust and readership!

i disappeared for a little

I’m back!

I took a breath, a breather, a break, a whatever you want to call it, without even realizing it, from blogging, after the first of 2018. It wasn’t intentional and I tried with everything that I had in me to finish a post but I just couldn’t. I would almost complete a post and then realize by the end of it that I was rambling and the post wasn’t even worth it because my soon-to-be-ex wasn’t worth the time or energy that I had just put into the post.

I have 24 drafts sitting and waiting to be finished and published but I just haven’t had the energy because I did something at the first of the year that helped me really push past my anger toward my Irish Idiot.

I wrote a blog post that detailed the most horrendous part of my marriage – the part that sealed the deal on the destruction of our marriage. Some of you read it because I scheduled it to go live recently and forgot about it and then chickened out with the amount of transparency that I showed, so I pulled it offline. I may republish it one day but for now it’s sitting in my “published” inbox, marked as private.

It was such a painful moment in my life last year and I thought that I was brave enough to share in the hopes that it might encourage someone, that was going through similar things, to not put up with the same garbage that I had and to move on. Instead, it accomplished something else.

I felt a sense of peace.

With every phase of this divorce, the more and more I keep ‘moving on’ and at the same time I have also realized how ‘unmoved on’ I was in the phase before. And that’s ok. There is no right or wrong way to move through a divorce emotionally. Sometimes, you’ll fly through the first four Stages of Grief only to hit a snag, sit across the table from this person and slide back into the anger stage. Or you’ll see your husband with a woman that offers half of what you determine is your value and you slide into the stage of depression.

Survive. Just survive.

The only goal with divorce, is to simply survive it and don’t feel like you need to meet any certain time table.

My pivotal moment in my divorce was actually putting pen to paper and reliving the night that my marriage ended. Getting it all out there, even to no one, did so much good. I still have moments of complete anger like when I saw him recently and after a brief heated exchange of words between the two of us, I made a note that he was so weak of a human being that he couldn’t even bring himself to apologize to me for what he had done to me and what he had done to the kids. His response reminded me of how much of a loser I was/am really married to…he told me that I should “give him a reason to get him to say sorry.”

I was in awe that he is so detached from reality and morality that he thinks it’s ok to do some of the harmful things he did, expect me not to be upset with him or hurt by him, and then urgently wait on bended knee for an apology that any other human being with any sense of right and wrong would have done months ago. But my special guy feels that I should ‘put him in the mood’ to feel apologetic. Sorry, not going to happen, and now I could care less about the apology because he obviously doesn’t understand the significance of humbling oneself to utter the phrase “I’m sorry” when you do something wrong.

And that’s when I realized just who he really is. I will never get an apology for the hurt and harm he caused. If I expect this then I will be forever angry because it’s something that he can’t mentally do. His mother taught him that when put into a ‘corner’, his defense was to never admit that he is wrong and to run from responsibility because she will always clean up his messes. So he’s never had to say sorry.

I married someone that has no capability to feel; to truly be in love; no ability to seek to cope with the ‘unfun’ times in life or to be mature or to treat someone else with respect or to put someone else’s needs before their own…and I’ve accepted all of this. And because of this, I have so much more peace than I’ve had since this divorce started.

So when I say I’ve started many posts and not had the energy to finish them, it’s because he has become so irrelevant to me and my life now. I don’t care anymore. I’ll never understand but I also know that he’ll never be happy in his life because he can’t do anything that I mentioned earlier.

I know that I would have a miserable existence if I had no capability to feel or feel compassion for others or to never experience love again or not to be able to put someone else’s needs first. It would be awful. And I’m thankful that the toxicity that was in my life is gone.

Sometimes I’m still human though.

I still have my moments of anger…I still have my moments of weakness…I still am not a perfect ex-wife to him…but I do have my dignity again because I know now that he would never have been good enough for me. He wouldn’t have been able to give his all like I had been doing for him. And that’s ok. I will find that person one day.

The day that I started reining my anger in, or in all actuality feeling nothing toward him but annoyance, was the day I realized just how miserable he really is and I don’t want my life to be like that and I’m thankful he didn’t take more of my years than what he did. When I see him, I can see the anger seething out of his pores…what I did to him, I’ll never know, nor do I care because I remained a steadfast faithful wife to him through everything. He has convinced a weak girl to cyber stalk and bully me and that’s ok. Annoying, yes and a little frightening, but I can’t do anything about it unless I want to waste more energy on them that they don’t deserve. If he wants to continue spending that amount of time on me than more power to him…I get it, I am kind of worth it. 🙂

Some Advice

I think that at this moment in my divorce, if I had any advice to give to anyone going through something similar, it would be to stop thinking that they did something wrong and instead focus on who your soon-to-be-ex really is. Strip away what you wanted them to be; strip away what they told you they were or would be; strip away the dreams you had for them/you/the ‘we’ and focus on the person that is left. What do their actions tell you? What are their motivations? What kind of life are they living right now? And for that last question don’t focus on what is on social media…

You know them, or at least you know their faults. Now someone else has to deal with those faults…and between you and I – my ex’s new girlfriend has her hands full because zebras never change their stripes. And it’s the little things that make me smile when I want to get angry because it was so easy for him to move on. Like when he found someone so weak that she agreed to cyber stalk me from the moment that they first started dating. What kind of woman would volunteer for that or agree to chasing me around the hockey rink video recording me and my kids? A crazy one…and that’s what he chose. More power to him. I just know that I will honestly feel bad for him (yet I’ll smile a little) when she goes all crazy on him when he breaks up with her too.

Focus on the true being that your ex is and take comfort that you get to say good riddance.

I still get anxious every time that I see my ex’s name pop up on my phone, but now I wait a while to read whatever the communication is (and that’s if my daughter hasn’t cleared out my notifications), because he doesn’t deserve my immediate attention. He never gave me his so why should I do it for him? There’s nothing telling me that I have to get back to him within a certain time frame so I do it when I’m emotionally ready to respond. I remind myself that I am the one in charge of me – he no longer has any control over me or my life. If he doesn’t like my response, then I’m sorry, not sorry. This is who I am and he gets to deal with that. It is no longer my job to accommodate his moods or temper.

And THAT’S the most freeing feeling I’ve had in a while.


karma can be good or bad: friendship part 2

God has an amazing way to remind you how rich your life really is…even when you are broke as HE double hockey sticks.

I’m going to preach again…specifically to those going through divorce…so forgive me if my opinions come across abruptly.

Those of us going through this (divorce) feel bad…we feel bad and don’t want to burden anyone with our ‘drama’. And when we do finally open up, I promise you, we don’t tell you more than 1/3 of what is really going on…until you probe…until you ask questions…and then we open up and are so thankful that you’ve asked the questions because we need someone to open up to but don’t want to be ‘that guy’ so we wait until we think someone really cares about what we are going through, to tell our story.

And we forget…we get so lost in our life story, marriage, children time-sharing, separation, and divorce, that we forget who we were before our ‘drama’ began…who we were and the life we lead before our divorce.

Friends remind us what we are made of

Earlier this week I was reminded. I had lunch with a woman that I admire, that I look up to, that I want to be like, who hired me for my career…who ‘found’ me. And something that struck me big time and I never thought about it before, was that she was surprised that I hadn’t shared this with her before she read it in my blog. When I reflected, I understood. I mean, I’ve known this incredible woman that led me to my life-career, for over 20 years…and I didn’t stop to pick up the phone to call her to tell her what was happening in my life. But I didn’t do it purely because I have her on a pedestal and I thought my pedestal was so much lower…reality check – my pedestal isn’t lower, in her eyes.

Another reality check…she sees me as her friend. Plain and simple. She cares about me, she knows me, she has lived life with me, we’ve unfortunately sat through two friends funerals together, and I overlooked this because I was trying to diminish my drama.

What I failed to realize is that my drama is her drama. She’s invested in me. She’s my friend. She loves me and all that I am. I should have picked up the phone.

My life lesson to those going through this – lean on those that have pushed you to where you are now because they are invested. Whether that is family or friends, look for them, reach out to them, private message them. You’ll be surprised how many are invested in your success – in life, not just career.

‘Friendly’ Advice

I read an article the other day about divorce and the importance of having friends during divorce. The one thing that the article didn’t focus on was actually reaching out ourselves to these friends. The article was all about how to help those that were friends of people going through divorce, and how to recognize the warning signs of when the ‘divorcee’ needed friends/attention. As a matter of fact, I’ve even written a blog post about it called ‘friendship‘.

The difference between my first post and this one is that unfortunately, I had only been through one divorce. That sucks to say. Sucks that I’m going through my second divorce.

The first was my choice, the second is not, so I’ve been on both sides of the table. And I’ve reread my previous posts about what my recommendations were to readers about how to handle things and I’ve followed through…and if I do say so myself – I was kind of spot on. I’ve put into practice the lessons that I learned the hard way and I’m coping with this loss a lot better than the first and the first was my choice. So I’d say that I’m ahead of the curve.

The article, though, that I read the other day, giving advice to the divorcee’s friends, was missing a few things:

* we want to be invited…to anything, especially something that is typically a ‘couples’ thing but if you invite us on our own, we read that as ‘you think we’re cool on our own’ and you want us there
* we are kind of ok with being the 3rd wheel or 5th wheel
* we need to get outside of our own head so please include us
* we promise not to bring up our ex if you don’t want us to…but if you do, that’s all on you. (and in all honesty, we don’t really have a lot to say about our ex so don’t be surprised or shocked if we don’t ‘trash’ them, even though we are thinking about how stupid they have been that day.)

Divorcee’s: Listen Up – Accept the help!

To the divorcee…and this is the more important point…REACH OUT if someone has said, call us if you need ______________ (fill in the blank) then take them up on it. Put on your big girl pants and pick up the phone and text them to tell them that you are going to show up and then don’t back out with a lame excuse. I 100% promise, that there is NO downside to showing up to a party or dinner or get together because you’ll have something else to think about other than the drama you dealt with earlier that day. It gives you the chance to get out of your own head.

You’ll leave feeling loved and having enjoyed yourself. And even if you hated every second of it – what’s the worst thing that can happen from it…you hate it but are thankful that you weren’t sitting at home in silence flipping through your wedding album??

One big feeling that I experienced the first go-around that I’ve learned to accept the second time, is help. Whether that be in someone dropping groceries off at your home unexpectedly or someone paying the check at a restaurant or someone offering you a place to live while you get on your feet or someone to pass along your resume, just accept it. You won’t always be in a tough spot financially. You’ll be able to repay them one day, whether it be with kindness, an outstretched hand, or financially. So accept it – your loved ones wouldn’t offer if they couldn’t do it or didn’t want to do it. Just remember this and pay it forward and pay it back. God will give you the opportunity.

And remember – as much as those going through divorce want karma to bite our soon-to-be-ex’s on the butt and can’t wait for that day…karma will also grace our loved one’s lives too.

Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to grab that open hand.

Quick Update:

(And as a little update…the ridge in my bed is almost gone…I just noticed it as I was typing this. It made me smile and I thought I’d share.)